December 2022
By Richard Fleming
The end-of-year holidays are a time of joy. Family gatherings abound. Festive tables encourage gluttony. Crackling fires and warm blankets are an invitation to watch holiday classics on TV. Cold winds blow through the streets, and I shiver and smile when returning to the cozy warmth of home. Hot coffee tastes better on cold holiday mornings than at any other time of year. Joy is defined by our grandchildren running to the front door to deliver snug hugs while whispering, “I’ve missed you so much, Papa” and “I love you so much, Mama.”
Joy.
For the past 10 years, my wife and I have baked holiday goodies in mid-December and delivered them to the eleven houses on our home court in Benicia. When we deliver our treats, we are always repaid with neighborly smiles and thanks. This project was inspired by my mother. She made holiday cookies and cakes for our neighbors in Topeka when I was growing up. It felt like a nice tradition to continue.
This year we discovered our decade of holiday baking has become an ingrained part of our neighborhood’s culture. One neighbor, a lady who lost her husband two years ago, called us after Thanksgiving to say she would be spending the holiday in L.A. with her son, so we should not deliver treats to her in December. But she added she would be back home in early January just in case. Another neighbor asked in early December what we would be making for the neighborhood this year. He then smiled and said, “No pressure. If you don’t bake anything, that’s OK. But…” The comments of both neighbors made us smile. It is not a big project to make holiday goodies for our home court. And the fact it is a neighborhood tradition is satisfying beyond measure.
Joy. It rules the season.
But it is inseparable from its twin, whose name is sadness. As I grow older, I notice sadness plays a larger role with each holiday season.
Joy’s twin reminds me of my parents’ absence. The sights, the sounds, the aromas, the emotions of joyful childhood holidays are imprinted deeper in my brain than memories from random weeks in February or August. My parents were integral to my holiday memories for so many years, even long after I left home. It is during this time of year I feel their absence the most.
Yesterday’s joy is linked to today’s sadness. They are twins. Inseparable.
Joy’s twin also likes to murmur in my ear that my holidays are numbered. And its voice grows louder as each year passes by. Every holiday season is filled with warmth. But each one I cherish means one fewer ahead. The holiday season is too joyful to miss out on. But miss out I will. How many have I still? Four? Ten or twenty? Who can say? Who can know?
Today’s joy is linked to tomorrow’s sadness. They are twins. Inseparable.
As I age, it would be easy to let sadness overwhelm joy. Especially during the holidays. But I fight back. I struggle to understand the lesser twin. I have learned – I’m still learning – to spend some time communing with sadness. To know its depth. To not feel threatened or intimidated. Sadness abides, but does not ask me to forsake its twin. Rather, sadness illuminates the power of joy.
And so it comes to this. I accept that sadness will accompany the holidays. But I stand up for joy.
I think about my children and grandchildren living through another fun holiday season this year. They are creating and embedding their own holiday memories, which will grow richer over time. And my wife and I are integral to their joy. Our kids and grandkids will look back at the delicious feasts we prepared, and laugh at how they ate too much. They will fondly recall us awaiting them in the warm doorway, our arms extended, as they run into our tight embrace. They will remember us whispering in their ears, “I missed you so much” and “I love you so much.” And perhaps they will start neighborhood holiday traditions of their own creation.
Time will pass. Our children, and then our grandchildren, will themselves grow old. They too will experience the holiday seasons with an evolving mix of joy and sadness. My wife and I will be part of their joy. And we will be part of their sadness. Hopefully they will treasure the joy and come to understand that its bittersweet twin means them no harm.
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As usual, your essay resonates, Richard. I remember my parents doing the holiday baking and distributing treats to the neighbors. Sadly, in recent years we have abandoned the tradition in the chaos of the season. The acts of generosity to the neighbors, I believe, mitigates the sadness.
Very beautiful and meaningful writing. I treasure my family and enjoy my great grandson beyond belief. I miss my Mom and Dad so much and the Holidays not the same since they passed. I know , that with my cancer, I have no guarantees on how long I’ll get to enjoy life but nobody does. My husband and I are celebrating 53 years of marraige next week and am so grateful for what I do have in life. I, too, have always made cookies for my neighbors in the Holidays. It gives me as much pleasure as those that receive them. Thank you so much for sharing this writing
Reading your tales bring me such joy, Richard! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.
Wonderful to read these thoughtful, wise, and beautifully written essays of yours, Richard. I always remember you wearing your hat in med school.
Wishing you lots of “joy” this season snd good health in 2023!
All best, Joanne DePhillips
You are right, Richard. The holidays are a blend of many feelings, emotions, thoughts, and realities-likely a different blend of these for each and every one of us. We reflect on our joys, our sadnesses, our past, and our futures in anticipation of the year to come. Best wishes to you all!
Indeed Dr Richard, JOY and SADNESS are inseparable! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I was so moved of each line that I can’t help but shed a tear. But as you said, we better choose JOY and NO OTHER!
Very thoughtful and meaningful. Some of my deepest losses in this season are about the unfulfilled hopes and dreams but I remain assured that God will fulfill my needs if not my “wants”. Tis the season to be grateful even for what we don’t have.
Wow! This is the first that I have read of your series and am eager to read more. This is so insightful and real. I honestly feel the same way during the holidays and I know people feel the same way. You were able to explain that inexplicable feeling. Thank you.
What a wonderful essay. Love the tradition you’ve kept all these years. It’s a joy to have experienced & survived 76 years of my life. My happiest was when my parents were alive & kept the family, near & far, glued. They loved to cook & invite everyone to share. The sad part for me is not having enough time to do anything. As a single mother, too busy trying to raise my children . I’m full of joy now that I’ve lived this long & am seeing my children, grandchildren & great-grandchildren succeed. I did not let sadness overcome me. I am now enjoying life to the fullest because I don’t know how much time I have. I lost my Mom when she was 76 (my age now).
Life is a constant balance of light and dark, joy and sadness, action and contemplation. I have recently been reminded that gratitude can be the grace that allows me to weather the storms of sadness, regret, and grief. I can be grateful for the good memories of my wonderful parents, grateful for all I have in my life each day, and grateful that those I love also love me back. Gratitude re-frames my perceptions and make it possible to greet each day with hope and fortitude. Certainly Christmas is a reminder of the ultimate gratitude I feel for the greatest gift. May your holidays be joyful and bittersweet with memories.
Oh Dr. Fleming your beautiful and thoughtful words come at a time my life is changing. I will be retiring in early January and I am so torn, knowing it is the right thing to do but also facing the future with both sadness and joy both in a sea of emotions. Thank you so much. I look forward to reading more. Please add me as a subscriber. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Dear Peggy, there is a wonderful life beyond PHC…I can give testament to that! Karen Stephen
Richard, you move me! While I agree with you that the holidays do escort the twin Joy and Sadness to our hearts, I, however disagree that the sadness portion is brought about by thoughts of mortality. The sadness during this Season of Gratitude and Sharing should not focus on mortality, past or future. Instead, sadness during this time of the year should focus our attention to parents whose kids passed before them or any family member who lost a loved one. The pain of one’s inability to share one’s Christmas with a loved one who has prematurely passed by violence or disease is a serious sadness during the holidays.
The other sadness that we should give thought to is the painful fact about people like us, families in war- torn countries, in nations suffering from famine, in disease- stricken remote villages on earth.
Sadness over mortality is a personal perception. Some perceive it with peace and welcome it. It is beyond our choice and control. Hence, it should not cause sadness but acceptance. Our family before us lived full lives. We currently live healthy and happy lives. We should accept mortality. It shouldn’t cause us sadness but joy because we should be grateful for our lives well lived.
Joy during this season must not come from abundance of food or gifts. Instead, Joy should permeate our being from giving. Giving baked cookies is great. Giving to reduce world hunger by an iota is greater. Giving one’s self, one’s skills, one’s energy to alleviate mankind’s woes is greatest. And I know you and Myrna have.
You always write with such beauty and clarity. Bravo. And your writing makes me certain that you are not one of those that Benjamin Franklin was thinking about:
“Many people die at twenty five and aren’t buried until they are seventy five.” — Attributed to Benjamin Franklin
Another beautiful, wonderful post, Richard. You capture not just two important sides of the holiday season, but of life. I hope that 2023 brings much joy to you, your family and friends, and everyone commenting here, much more than whatever inevitable sadness awaits.