September 2022
By Richard Fleming
Despite my age, or perhaps because of it, my understanding of what it means to grow older is evolving. I will open by deconstructing this phrase. Growing means developing, expanding, increasing in size or substance. Older means more advanced in the years of life.
Growing older is best understood contextually. In my youth, I embraced it enthusiastically. Growing older meant a driver’s license. Voting. College. Marriage and family. An interesting field of work. Travel. For the young, growing older is aspirational.
But youthful exuberance carries an expiration date. At some point in each of our lives, growing older loses its luster.
For me, this transition happened in my 50s. The idea of growing older became daunting. Turning 60 or 70 was less appealing than turning 20 or 30. Further, I failed to understand how people could grow old. Aging seemed the antithesis of growing. People became old. We attained old age. Actually, as we aged, growing ceased, replaced by diminishing. Diminishing height, stamina, cognition and, importantly, skin texture and elasticity. Our bodies may expand and increase in size or substance, true that. But aging seemed more a process of running down than of growth.
I formulated two theories to explain the fallacy of linking the concept of growing to aging. First, perhaps the term growing old arose from an unintentional mistranslation of Old German root words many years ago. Or second, it was intentionally developed as an ironic device to insure senior citizens know we are no longer evolving in a positive and useful way.
Fortunately my ability to learn and adjust persisted. As I reached my 60s, my understanding of aging continued to develop, thanks to lessons from those older and wiser than me. I reflected on the fact this phrase, growing old, has been in widespread use for centuries. Its longevity suggested it rested on a solid foundation. Was there a path that could help me understand that aging is – scientifically speaking of course – a growth process?
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During decades of family-building and work, one’s time is constrained. While they are years of growth, they are also years restricted by sturdy fences. The highest level action items are helping one’s family and contributing to the Social Security Trust Fund by remaining gainfully employed. Other activities rank lower on the priority scale.
As people attain higher levels of seniority in the job of life, their energy and fortitude lessens. Multiple well-performed medical studies offer confirmation.
But – assuming their health allows – people also have more freedom. Barriers which delimited family and work responsibilities become weathered and worn. Some of the fencing collapses. And new vistas emerge.
I thought back over my years practicing medicine and recalled many of my elderly patients becoming first-time photographers, book club members, overseas travelers, knitters, exercisers, community volunteers. They became mentors to troubled youth, part-time teachers, learned new cooking skills, got politically involved, took online courses to learn about medieval history or modern art.
Objective scientific assessment could only conclude these elderly people were growing. And, yes, they were growing older.
Unfortunately, not all senior citizens embrace the opportunities which open as the years accumulate. Some are unable to because of physical limitations. But others opt to rest after many decades of hard work. Or they prefer to dwell in the seductive lands unspooling on television and social media. They are getting older but not growing older.
* * *
I continue foraging down the path. Day by day, step by step. As I do so, I have learned what lies ahead is not strictly a process of simple subtraction. The equations of my future years can incorporate the process of simple addition.
And this is already underway. Since retiring, my wife and I travel more. We volunteer for Meals on Wheels. Spend more and better time with our grandchildren. Are active in voter turnout efforts. We gave Covid-19 vaccines at a local community clinic for six months. I teach medical students. Exercise more consistently. Joined a city commission on sustainability. Started a blog.
Of course some growth activities remain off limits. I refuse to sign up for art appreciation classes. Learning to crochet is not on my bucket list. Ballroom dancing is a dicey proposition because I would like to avoid fracturing my wife’s foot bones. The jury is still out on pickleball.
But novel opportunities abound. My challenge is to pick wisely among them.
Thanks to my fellow travelers, I have come to understand that whether to get old is not a choice. Whether to grow old is.
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Richard,
Bravo! for taking up this endeavor. Congratulations on a workmanlike first effort.
I imagine many of us have our own reflections on advancing maturity. Will you welcome guest posts at some early point?
With warm best wishes,
Tom Snyder
Urology / Admin – MTZ
Urology – VAL
Retired 2003 (!)
Thank you, Tom. I have learned much from other people’s reflections on their journeys forward. For now, I want to sort out my own thinking in this blog, but welcome comments, responses, and thoughts. In the future, I may open up posting to others.
Good point. Healthy aging does indeed require “growing,” in courageous, creative, and sometimes challenging ways. Nice post!
Thank you.
Thank you again Richard for the wisdom in your thoughts. Last weekend I did a zoom workshop with Marianne Williamson, spiritual teacher, on conscious aging. I remember her saying ” its time to intend to age with joy deciding that the age of youth is a good kind of joy, but not the only kind. There is joy in knowing that after all these years, we’ve finally come to know ourselves.” Richard I think you are aging with joy from what I can tell.
Thank you, JoAnne. I learn so much from others about how to age joyfully, and I have much more to learn.
Well said and well modeled. To quote the noted philosopher Satchel Paige: “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?” Thank you for your spoken meditations.
Thank you.
To Richard Fleming; as far as I can see, one valid approach to aging is to remain in denial about it till you reach your seventies, as long as you do sign up in your 60’s for insurance that pays for nursing home care and custodial home care. We at Permanente get automatically a Cigna supplimental plan that cares for 50% of custodial home care, and 80% of nursing home. You do have to learn how to use it when they periodically deny your claim. I can talk to you about how to do that.
Thank you, Rich. Now that I’m in my 70s, the days of denial are in my past. Fortunately, I am lucky enough to have good health insurance.
Morning coffee reflections on reading this ….
Growing up ….. JOY … just older youth.