April 2024
By Richard Fleming
I want to open with warm thanks for all the well wishes for my brother Chris, who recently entered hospice, and for our family. Your words are very meaningful.
I also want to acknowledge the many insightful comments you have made to my posts since I started this blog in August 2022. I have not been responding in the comments section, but I appreciate your thoughts and feedback and have learned much from your perspectives. I am inspired to see how we support each other on this journey into the ages. And it is helpful to learn the strategies people are using to chart their paths forward. Please continue sharing your ideas and experiences.
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Photo courtesy of Aaron Burden
Reminiscence is a common pastime for older folks. When we look back, it is gratifying when our memories yield more smiles than frowns. But it is common to see decisions we made in our youth that we would approach differently, if do-overs were an option. Some people see many things they would change. Others – the fortunate ones – see only a few. Of course, there is little point in dwelling on such matters. The past has passed. Not much can be accomplished by speculating on how we coulda, shoulda, woulda lived our lives differently.
At the same time, it can be an interesting exercise to reflect on decisions made earlier in life and how they impact us today. Doing so might help us understand ourselves better and inform the choices we are confronting today. After all, we old folks are still making decisions in the here and now that will impact who we become in the future. We may be old, cranky, and stiff, but we are still growing and developing. I expect I will be a different person when and if I reach my 80s. And I think that is true for many seniors.
In the spirit of learning and reflecting, I’ve recently been thinking what I would say in a letter to my 16-year-old self. What would I advise that young guy, standing on the threshold of adulthood? While some elements of my letter may be similar to what others would write to their younger selves, much of it is different. When I was young, my situation and my choices were unique to my situation, growing up in the 1950s and 60s in Topeka. For other seniors, their youthful years unfolded in very different situations with very different choices. Their letters sent back in time would reflect their upbringing and their reality.
So, here is what I’ve come up with.
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Dear Richard,
I know you’re getting close to wrapping up your junior year at Topeka High, and you’ve got tests and papers to prepare for. But I hope you can take a few minutes to read this letter from your future. It is impossible for you to know what your life will be like five and a half decades from now. But I want to mention a few things to consider as your childhood wraps up.
Overall, you’re a good person. You’re doing well in school. You have a fair number of friends. You have close connections with some whom you will still be talking with regularly when you’re in your 70s. Be grateful for these friendships. Nurture them. Do not take them for granted.
An area you might want to work on is family connections. While your relationship with mom and dad is good, consider spending more time talking with them about their childhoods and early adult years. You know mom grew up in Baton Rouge and was the first in her family to go to college. But you’ve never talked with her about what it was like growing up in the South, how she decided to go to college, what her two siblings thought of this decision, and why she joined the Army during World War II.
Ditto with dad. His upbringing in New York City during the Great Depression was eventful, but you’ve never asked him much about it. You know he was a paratrooper during WW II and was in active combat zones in the Philippines. He parachuted onto Corregidor and brought back his parachute with a bullet hole in it. But you’ve never sat down with him on a cold Kansas winter night in front of a warm fireplace to ask him how he felt about his wartime experiences.
You should also spend time getting to know your grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins. You’ve had little contact with them. Write them letters. Call them on the phone. As your 72-year-old future self, let me tell you I miss knowing more about our family. It is a sizable hole which can no longer be filled in.
Three last pieces of advice: (1) You should exercise more. You’ll feel better and be healthier 50 years from now. Plus it can be fun. (2) Please eat better. Less fast food. Bobo’s burgers are delicious, but they will linger on your frame for decades to come. You will feel better and look better 50 years from now with a healthier diet. (3) It’s probably too late for this last one, but I wish you had signed up for shop class at Roosevelt Junior High. Your life will be so much easier in the years ahead if you know what torx and hex screwdrivers are and understand how to use socket wrenches, ballpeen hammers, and other basic tools.
These suggestions might seem unnecessary or inappropriate. But please consider that your decisions in the next few years will reverberate and echo long into your future. Trust me on this, they will in large measure determine who you will be at age 72. No pressure, young man. Just choose wisely. I’ll be here waiting for you.
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Well, writing this letter was mildly therapeutic. There are so many other things I should have done differently as a youth, but I’m not going to spend a lot of time thinking about them. If I’d lived a perfect life as a teenager, I would likely have become an incredibly boring adult. And, who knows, maybe I would not have ended up living in California and would have had a very different family. I must have made enough good choices as a young fella, since I am happy living in the Bay Area and have a wonderful family.
So, maybe there is little to be gained from writing a letter to my younger self. Perhaps in the spirit of sharing wisdom I should write a letter to my 85-year-old self? Naw, for a couple of reasons that would not be a useful way to spend my time. First of all, the garage still needs to be decluttered. And secondly, if I make it to 85, I’ll likely be even more crotchety and less willing to listen to advice from a young guy who’s only 72 years old. What could he possibly know?
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Wow—this letter to your 16 year old self really resonated with me! Two thoughts really hit home. First, “… consider spending more time talking with them about their childhoods and early adult years.” My parents died early, while I was in the middle of raising my 3 little ones, and I was way too preoccupied (and immature??) to ask these questions. And it is now too late. And second, I also wish I had signed up for shop class at Roosevelt Junior High. Not sure RJH would have even allowed a girl to enroll, but I should have pushed that envelope for a couple reasons! I now find myself watching (and re-watching) YouTube videos to do the simplest things.
Love this.
Oh I wish I could have written to myself! To tell myself that you’ll make girl! You’ll make through the abandonment of your father due to your mother’s alcoholism. That although you barely got through high school( no one cared if you went or not) , you’ll come out ok. That you rode your bike to Kaiser and got a job. That, that system those people where your salvation! That after walking your own path making healthy choices overall. Now at 70 , been married 50 years raised 2 wonderful humans who’ve created their own families I am beyond thrilled and blessed! That’s what I’d tell me! Thank You for reminding me. And no your adult kids don’t want to hear your story. They are to busy creating their own 🥰
You have been an extraordinary big brother to Chris, Richard. Once and in a way ever since you have saved his life. Now, much time has passed and I miss the company of each of you—you’re remarkable persons. Because it has been so long, I would not expect Chris to remember me, but I would be grateful if, the next time you see him, you give him a hug from another Chris who, though far away, also is from Topeka.
I love this letter but a few practical thoughts as a brother who was there at the time. Our parents especially Dad were very private, reflecting as they did the post war culture of getting on with life. Today we would call it PTSD and avoidance of recall of triggers. I did ask (repeatedly) it seems even into my 40’s, the questions you advise yourself to have asked. I got however few details or answers to most of them. It takes two (or more) to have a dialog. I gleaned a few facts. But I believe that many members of Tom Brokaw’s “Greatest Generation” focused mainly on externals, on getting on with the business of life. Their experiences with the Great Depression and the World War were often tucked away deep inside and not shared easily even when asked. Just saying even if you had perhaps you might not know more.
I like your brother’s response to your letter, Richard. My dad was a ball turrent gunner in a B-24 during WWII. We did try to talk about it, with little response. I was able to talk to my mom about what he was like when he returned home from the war. He had nightmares, and sudden sit up awakenings at night. He did tell one story about having to change planes for one sortie, and a friend of his saw his original plane go down and the friend worried about how he was going to inform my mom. There is no question that he suffered PTSD, which lasted well into the 50s. Fortunately, we lived close to grandparents and visited virtually every weekend, we bought eggs at $0.25 a dozen from them along with taking home other produce. One of my aunts was there always so I got to know all of my dad’s side of the family well, including cousins who lived in Oklahoma.
You were right on regarding the diet, although I didn’t get to eat at Bobo’s much, we did have fried chicken almost every weekend at the grandparents. Same is true of the exercise, hated it and still do unfortunately. It would make life much easier. I enjoy your blog very much and they bring back many memories of growing up in Topeka.
Richard — A thoughtful and thought-provoking essay, as always. To follow up on John and Jim’s comments on asking about one’s parents background, you may not get answers or the answers you want, but you won’t get any if you don’t ask. And I didn’t. I realized recently I knew my mother grew up in Topeka (she and my father met at Topeka High), but I don’t recall that she ever mentioned or took us to where she lived. Was she embarrassed? Was there some other reason? My father served in the Army from 1942-46 but didn’t go overseas. He took several training programs I heard about, and finally was a hospital administrator but I wondered why he kept getting trained but not assigned to a job he was trained for? But I asked only once, didn’t get a clear answer and never followed up. Sage advice I wish I’d been told as a young man. However, I’m not sure about laying off Bobo’s.
Hello Richard
My father did give me a lot of this advice when I was 16, but I didn’t listen very well, as I thought I knew more than he did.
What a lovely idea! I very much wish I’d asked my dad more about growing up in the dust bowl and my mom about her experiences going to college at a time when not that many women did so. I do know that these experiences shaped their lives and the way they raised my brother and me, but like others have said, I was too focused on my own interests and obligations to inquire further while they were still on the planet. I also wish I’d met you in high school (or if I actually did, I wish I remembered!) but alas I was way too shy and introverted to get to know that many people. Nevertheless I am happy to have “met” you through your blog now and look forward to each of your posts.
Dear Richard, as always this is lovely and a great idea to write to ourselves at any stage in our lives. I do have one problem with the letter. I realize that fast food is not a good choice, but please don’t regret even one of the Bobo’s burgers you ate. They were so good and Bobo’s was/is a Topeka institution. While working in the laboratory, we purchased a large instrument system from a company in New York. A technical engineer was there one day and wanted to know a place to eat nearby. We directed him to Bobo’s. After that, every engineer that came in from the company wanted to know where the place was with the (now famous in Tarrytown, NY) hamburgers. Love to you and your family.