November 2022
By Richard Fleming
There is a funny aspect to old age I did not understand until I suddenly found myself old. Not funny ha-ha, but funny strange. Old age is not a uniform period of life. We enter the land of seniority at age 65, but after that point we travel through three very different worlds. For the sake of simplicity – and we seniors benefit from simplification of ideas – I will refer to these stages as Early Old Age, Middle Old Age, and Old Old Age.
For every individual, the time spent in each stage varies. Some move through at a quick pace. Others linger in one stage before traveling on.
Early Old Age is the exciting period of one’s senior years. It generally starts shortly after retirement, when we are freed from the necessity of going to work. If we are fortunate enough to have good health, a reasonable financial situation, and a supportive family and community, Early Old Age can be quite rewarding. Energy and enthusiasm remain high. We can explore new opportunities. Schedules loosen up. A typical day might open with a slow coffee or tea while consuming the news. Those of us lucky enough to be grandparents often spend gratifying time babysitting grandchildren. The day’s errands and chores can be completed at a leisurely pace. Or they can be put off until tomorrow, since tomorrow’s schedule looks pretty wide open. Travel options expand. Opportunities for volunteer work open up. When our adult children mention how grateful they are for an upcoming three-day weekend, we can nod empathetically while silently reveling in our seven-day weekends.
But time marches on. After dwelling for a while in Early Old Age – perhaps just a few years, but hopefully a decade or so – we move into the Middle Old Age period. I feel I’m on the cusp of entering this second phase myself. Hallmarks of this time of life are both physical and mental. Our bodies begin to more clearly assert their limitations. Aches and pains in various and sundry locations become more common than in Early Old Age. Energy levels drop. Motivation flags. Home projects are harder to complete. Especially those we put off when our schedules were wide open in Early Old Age. Folks traveling through the second stage of old age come to realize if they have a doctor’s appointment next week, they don’t have time to clean the garage today. Tomorrow looks pretty dicey too. As for babysitting duties, we still love seeing our grandchildren… but folks in Middle Old Age find caring for rambunctious young humans to be more, shall we say, draining than previously.
Mental acuity diminishes. We forget people’s names more easily. We frequently go into another room for some reason, but after getting there we forget why. To do this once in a day may not be significant. But twice in one day confirms the diagnosis of Middle Old Age. And financial concerns often increase during this phase of senior living.
In Early Old Age, denial can be useful, even healthy. But Middle Old Age brooks no compromise and no negotiation. Aging’s reality sinks in like a 40 pound weight in a quiet pond. Or – resorting again to idea simplification – the Golden Years inevitably transform into the Fool’s Gold Years.
And then. No matter that we eat right and exercise. No matter how nice we are. Old Old Age sooner or later comes to embrace us with its firm hug. In this final stage of our senior years, physical and mental limitations dominate. Our time spent in hospitals and doctors’ offices expands exponentially. Medication trays become an absolute necessity. Our ability to travel, volunteer, spend time with friends, all rapidly taper. Instead of babysitting grandchildren, people living in Old Old Age are often the ones requiring babysitters.
This stage of life can be peaceful or painful. It can be serene or it can be stressful. Commonly, it can be a combination of all. Daily activities become restricted. We spend more time contemplating our legacy and what we will miss out on as our children and grandchildren grow up and grow old. And we start to wistfully look back on our years in Middle Old Age. Back when we could live life much more fully.
It is this prospect of living in Old Old Age that I find truly daunting. I hope when I stand in the doorway to that final phase, I will be able to look forward, breathe calmly, and enter gracefully into that uncertain land with a sense of peace.
But I tell you frankly I’m just not ready. And let me add that I’m not sure how I’ll ever get ready.
Wait. Let me not get ahead of myself. (That is the worst thing one can do while growing old.) As I mentioned before, today I stand on the threshold of Middle Old Age. The land I will be entering presents its own set of challenges. I struggle to accept what these coming middle years will bring.
Thankfully the door which will one day usher me into Old Old Age remains a distant image, closed and locked. But it is not a mirage.
* * *
If you enjoyed this post, please consider subscribing to be notified of future posts. Subscriptions are free.
I love this essay….so true.
I am really enjoying your writings. Thank you!
Loved the description of Middle Old Age, where I clearly reside!
You pretty much nailed it, Richard!!
I loved your descriptions but I am not ready to go to middle old age. Unfortunately I think I have already entered it or at least have seen what it is like. I recently fell on my concrete driveway giving me none of the awful that could happen but giving me a mild concussion. I am eagerly waiting for my brain the recover! I tired of not knowing the word I want to use!! And I am tired of being tired. But I will get well!!
MaryFrances
I would be more specific about things we all need to address: What are your wishes and plans if you become incapacitated? Have you arranged for durable power of attorney for health care and discussed your wishes in detail with him/her. ? Have you consulted with tax and legal advisors regarding inheritance issues that need to be arranged? My friend recommended a useful book for me to give to my son that allows me to fill in specific details for him. The tittle: I’M DEAD. NOW WHAT.
Our Fidelity counselor used to call them :
1. Go-Go
2. Slow-Go
3. No-Go years!
Enjoyed your thoughts, Richard!
Eloquently expressed, Richard. I saw this transition with my parents as you described. I hope that I will be more willing to accept the help and support I need in that final phase than they were. I wouldn’t bet on it, though, although my daughter is already laying the groundwork for that.
I am enjoying the thoughtful dialogue — thank you.
Thanks for the beautiful reflections, Richard!
“How terribly strange to be seventy” sang Simon and Garfunkel while in their twenties, as was I when I first listened to their song “Old Friends” and looked ahead 50 years. Now that I’ve (fortunately) reached that very age, it doesn’t feel so terribly strange. I’m doing my best to prolong my experience of Early Old Age. I would welcome anyone to contact me to hike or play some tennis (around 3.5 level) – which I’ve enjoyed doing several times a week since retirement, making the transition to my new decade of life more enjoyable!
With interesting perspective and near universal applicability to American seniors, your essay would make an excellent article in a publication such as AARP magazine.
Great perspective. Write on!
Love this Richard! 🥰
Well stated, Richard. I’m mentally 35, but my body is older than 71, which pisses me off. Not sure why I got rectal cancer 11 years ago but the (apparently) chemo induced neuropathy has made my life a kind of misery. I’m terrified of transitioning (collapsing?) into a wheelchair and my two most frequent prayers are, ‘please let me poop’ and ‘please don’t let me fall.’ I can’t stand and celebrate the Eucharist anymore and because of numb fingers I can’t write either, two of the things that gave my life meaning. We now live with our youngest daughter (she’s wonderful) and her two boys who don’t have a father and I can’t even really offer that. I should be depressed but really don’t think I am. Just a low grade anger and confusion. Be glad you have your health and I love your travel postings! Blessings, friend
I’ve had a wonderful 10 years of early old age, starting at retirement at 62. The least stressful and most enjoyable years of my life. But some recent medical issues, though hopefully temporary, have led me to something similar to what you wrote – realizing those things will increase and options my body will cooperate with will decrease. My Dad nailed it when he was near the end of his life – “Everyone wants to live a long time, but nobody wants to get old “
Thanks for writing this, Richard.
Very aptly written especially part of enjoying and caring for our very young humans- I need Duracell batteries to keep on going
Regards
Hi Dr. Fleming, seems like yesterday when we were toiling at PartnershipHP. At 79 I think I am nearing that mid old age stage. Moved to San Diego and do a lot of Grammie duty. 7th grade math is a challenge! Haven’t found a shoe in the fridge yet so don’t have to sent to the home yet. Published my 3rd novel this year. Check out my author website at karenstephen.com. My best to you and your family.
I love this essay. Thank you so much. My only addition would be that if an acute illness presents itself in any of these stages, it seems you immediately get to behaving like old old age for way longer than you would hope, and with no guarantee that once the acute illness is over you return to where you started. Reminds me of several familiar sayings: Man plans and God laughs; and the Serenity Prayer: Accept the things we cannot change, have the courage to change the things we can and have the wisdom to know (or figure out at least) the difference. Keep up the great work Richard. Love you.
A wonderful post, Richard. I second the suggestion that you see whether AARP or some other organization might be interested in publishing your reflections, since they’re so well-written and thoughtful.
“Folks traveling through the second stage of old age come to realize if they have a doctor’s appointment next week, they don’t have time to clean the garage today. “
This made me laugh, Richard, because I find myself doing something similar. But part of that is looking for an excuse not to ‘Clean the Garage’.