July 2023
By Richard Fleming
Photo courtesy of Huy Phan
As I grow older I become more sensitive about comments younger folks occasionally make. One that irks me at the moment is when a young person tells me, “You look good.” I heard this observation quite a bit recently after living through another birthday. Restaurant staff where we had a small family dinner celebration asked how old I was. When I told them 72, they invariably said, “Oh, you look good.” The same thing happened when some young acquaintances recently asked how old I was. While the next three words were not spoken aloud, they were clearly part of the thought process – “You look good… for your age.”
I try not to be a curmudgeonly old grouch. I understand younger folks intend this as a compliment. They are telling me that, in their opinion, I look younger than my age.
So what bugs me about this comment?
First, what are 72 year olds supposed to look like? Common wisdom says people of that age look withered – wrinkled skin, thinning gray hair, a turkey neck, stooped posture – and looking old is considered unsuitable. Society feels looking younger than one’s age is always to be preferred, even for young people. Many folks in their 40s prefer to appear they’re in their 30s. People in their 30s often prefer to look like they’re in their 20s. Or even their teens.
But what is wrong with a 72-year-old looking 72? It is nothing to be embarrassed about. To me, most people in their early 70s look pretty good. They manifest a wide range of appearances, but looking well-seasoned is, to me, inspiring. And the older I get, the more my standards for presentable appearance evolve. Older people look more and more natural and pleasing to the eye.
Also, of course, there is little correlation between physical appearance and how actively our minds work. Or how full our lives can be. Our body may look like we’ve lived for 70 or 80 years or longer, but our brains may function as though we are in our 40s. And our schedules are often busier than when we were in our 30s.
Actually I feel very fortunate to have reached my current age. Too many family members, friends, and acquaintances never had the opportunity to be – or to look – 72 years old.
Now, I will also acknowledge that when a person in their 70s looks like they’re in their 60s, that is well and good. But it is not virtuous. During three decades serving as the internist for many seniors, it was apparent that whether a person looks their age – or looks younger or older – is often outside their own control. Genetics plays a prominent role. A person’s lifetime of work influences their appearance, with some jobs taking much more of a physical toll. A person’s family and community situation impacts their appearance for better or for worse. Those with higher stress levels tend to look older more quickly than those living in a more secure, comfortable environment. Personal lifestyle choices of course play a role in a person’s appearance, but external factors loom large.
Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with looking one’s age. For those of us fortunate enough to attain older ages, we can celebrate our years of service no matter our appearance.
OK, enough with the sour grapes attitude. I need to learn to politely accept this comment when offered by young people with open hearts. When they say, “You look good,” I should just say, “Thank you.” It’s true I would prefer to hear those words rather than “You look tired” or “You need to take good care of yourself so you can have more birthdays in the future.”
It’s also important to realize that when young people tell a senior “You look good,” they are projecting a measure of anxiety. They know old age is coming for them too. And young folks inevitably wonder how they will look and feel in 30 or 40 years. I get it.
People of all ages share much in common as we journey down the pathway of life. Each generation should honor and learn from those further down the road. And cherish the younger folks who have less experience traveling through time. In this spirit, I’m considering a small change. I want the younger generation to know how much they are valued by older folks. The next time a Gen Z or Millennial tells me I look good, I will respond with a simple, “Thank you. You look good too.” If my reply is met with a look of puzzlement, I will follow up with, “No, really, you look good for your age.” I think this is a positive way to convey appreciation and mutual respect.
What do you think?
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Just a little tongue in cheek…… You old rascal. Well, not so old. Middle age begins at70.
Agree with your observation regarding “projection” of insecurity and anxiety. My 50th college reunion recently resulted in many “you look good” comments! Nice post! Jim
I love this story. I have often wondered when other people are giving compliments about how a person looks at an older age. I used to say the “Golden years are not so Golden” because of health issues as we age but I work through that as best I can. “If a person is healthy, they are wealthy”. Danny Devito made a comment in a movie that I saw and I loved what he said and I will always remember this: ” Getting old sucks but the truth is, getting old is a Gift”. So true. I am enjoying my life and I love to keep busy. I am not retired yet because I love my job and the people I work with. I am extremely grateful to still be around because I have lost a lot of friends who have passed away in their 30’s.
This 3 word phrase is often said to me after meeting new associates at the local gym. It honestly does inspire me even more to continue to exercise as I do.
Good one, Richard.
This brings to my mind a recurring Billy Crystal “Fernando’s Hideaway” bit from Saturday Night Live, decades ago. He portrayed a superficial Fernando Lamas in the skits. At some point, Lamas would say something like this to whomever his guest was on a given night: “Remember, Darling, it’s not how you feel, it’s how you look. And you look MARVELOUS!”
On a slightly more serious note…
I recently was on the dispensing end of one of the “You look good!” comments. For the first time in many months, I saw a dear friend who’d recovered from a potentially fatal medical condition. I exclaimed, “You look great!” because he did.
Now, this was a very different situation from what your post illuminates. Still, I believe that most people, whether old or young are simply saying something positive when they compliment others, whether old or young, on their looks. It may well spring from a swift, sincere assessment. But even if not, they’re trying to say something nice.
Your Gen Z or Millennial will first think you may have been insulted, then realize you’re pulling his/her leg, and then feel relief and a special connection with you. Way to go, you “old rascal”.