June 2026
By Richard Fleming
Photo courtesy of Agê Barros
My brother-in-law died in the wee hours of the morning on June 2, 2026, from complications of esophageal cancer. He was 75 years old. And he was a good man, generous, hardworking, kind, and compassionate. A great father, husband, brother, and brother-in-law. I will miss him.
His death brings up many feelings, including the brevity of life, the cruelty of cancer, and the importance of close family bonds. It also makes me reflect on a phenomenon we older folks must engage in: a tough negotiation with time. And the older we get, the more tense the bargaining process becomes. What will time allow us to do? Which bucket list items will the clock permit us to check off? And which life goals will be rejected with the admonition, “Wise up! There’s no way you can do all that.”
At the time my brother-in-law’s cancer was diagnosed two years ago, it was already at stage 4. He still had many goals he had been planning to accomplish. Home projects. Organizing his finances. Traveling. Family experiences. But it became immediately apparent he had only a few years to live. He was forced into a more fraught negotiation about his options, knowing the time available was far shorter than he had been planning for.
As his cancer progressed despite chemotherapy and radiation, the bargaining process became more charged. What would be possible and what would not? The clock was ticking but it did allow him to accomplish a number of his goals, including getting his financial affairs in order and some traveling with family. Despite being a good negotiator, he was ultimately denied the ability to achieve many things he had been hoping to do.
* * *
When we are young, time seems endless. The years unfold slowly. Horizons are too distant to appreciate and understand, and are not yet a looming presence. If we don’t finish some projects this year, there is always the next. No need to stress.
But as we age, clocks run faster, time passes more quickly, and the years fall from the calendar ever more rapidly. We are forced to pick and choose, to negotiate over how much and what we can do.
When I retired in my mid-60’s, I knew I was well past half-way through. I could clearly see the horizon. But I did not feel any particular pressure to put a rush on my long-term goals.
Now that I’m in my mid-70s, the clock face looks different. Even though I am fortunate to still be in good health, the accelerating movement of the clock’s hands is beginning to concern me. Reality is harder to dodge. It would be great to live 15 more years, but who knows how many I will actually have? And for how many of those remaining years will my health hold up enough that I can continue to travel, volunteer, write, read, teach, and get together with friends?
Of all life’s goals now, spending time with family is the top priority. In my bargaining with time, this is one activity I take a firm stand on. But it is not exclusively my call. As I bargain with time, I’m pretty sure it will concede that for the time being I can still travel with the kids and grandkids, enjoy family get-togethers, and babysit. But can I negotiate a commitment from the clock that I will see my 3-year-old granddaughter and 1-year-old grandson graduate from high school? It is a dicey proposition and a big ask.
* * *
Young and middle-aged adults must confront the usual life stresses, which can sometimes be significant. But for the most part they are able to move smoothly through the seasons and comfortably through the years. They don’t feel a compelling need to discuss things with the clock.
But for us Boomers, we know time is shortening. We must negotiate with time, which fundamentally means negotiating with ourselves. We have to decide what is most important and what to let go. As we age, the balance of power shifts decidedly from us to the clock. As we make more transits around the sun, we are left with fewer cards to play. Our bodies begin to betray us.
And as we lose more and more friends and family, we become increasingly aware that a phone call from our doctor’s office can change our relationship to the clock in an instant.
I am not surfacing this topic to generate despair. Rather, I think it is important to understand our changing relationship to time. None of us ever achieves everything we planned to do when we were younger. Hopefully we accomplished enough so that when we look back, we will feel our lives were well lived. Even though our negotiations with time become more stressful as we age, we still have the opportunity – in each year, in every season – to choose what is most important and meaningful. I will do my best to choose wisely, but I am a human and as is true for us all, there are no guarantees..
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Thanks, Richard – Beautifully stated.
How ture. So srry to learn of this terrible loss. My heart goes out to you all
Beautiful and timely (so to speak) post, Richard.
Beautiful, Richard! Thank you so much for being with Uncle at every stage and non-stop near the end.
Richard and Myrna, I am sorry to hear of your loss. Your meditation on bargaining with time resonates with me after a year of a number of losses. Hoping for healing and many more sunrises for both of you.
Very thoughtful read, Richard. My deepest condolences on the loss of your brother in law.
You are blessed to have family. I have very few left. I’m 77, in fairly good health, but life can get very lonely when you don’t have family to lean on or share your good and not so good days. We have friends but they have their own families too. We have to find ways to make our time that we have left meaningful. It’s a day to day reality.
👍🙏♥️I love this …I look forward to your writing…take care and may the creator of us all be with you and your family.
Thoughtful glimpse into the fast-approaching future as always. I have started thinking about giving up teaching — not that I don’t enjoy it now but I am concerned that in a few years I will not recognize that my cognitive abilities are not up to the task. We can negotiate matters within our control.
Thank you for another thoughtful and relevant essay. I’ve had the good fortune enjoying your good company and wisdom as a colleague and now as a reader of your essays. Keep ‘em coming!
Hi Richard,
Thanks for putting into words what all of us of a certain age have on our minds these days.
I am sorry for your loss, and hope your brother in law’s memory will be a comfort to you.
Isaac
Yes, Richard, I’ve too noticed that the clock is running. Not only is our time limited, but one can’t help but think about the possibility of disability and/or dementia. As you mentioned, family and friends are more important than ever and as I age, my Christian faith continues to grow and provide peace.
Well-spoken, Richard, and condolences to your family!
Rick Levine
Dear Richard,
Beautifully and so eloquently said – thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about what we all (myself definitely included!) are feeling and experiencing.
Many prayers to your family,
Michelle